Learning How to Disagree

It seems that children tend to reach the age of truly disagreeing between years 3 and 4… It is important for them to learn that it is o.k. to disagree, but that there is a respectful way to do it. This requires an open mind on your part as the parent, to allow your children to state their own points of view when they differ from your own. However, I think the investment is worth the effort!

I’m working on helping my nearly 4-year-old child learn how to disagree respectfully. Though there a million things pulling me in every which direction, I’m working on teaching myself to give him my full attention so that he knows I respect him, what he thinks, and what he has to say. Yes, he’s only 4, but this is a crucial time when he’s learning how to treat others. Jumping up and down, yelling, and using mean words or tones of voice will not get my undivided attention, but talking with me in a calm “indoor” voice will.

I am trying to remember to validate his opinion (the fact that he has one), even if I disagree, because I want him to think for himself. He is expected to be able to explain his position, and if it seems reasonable, I may change my mind. Sometimes there are things that he knows that I don’t, or aspects of an issue that I haven’t considered. Of course, some things are non-negotiable, like hand washing before eating, or choosing mint chocolate chip ice cream over strawberry sherbet.

Asking nicely

Young children, by nature, are very self-centered. Their world is all about “me.” This is obvious as they move through the “me,” “mine,” and “I want!” stages. Help your child to learn how to more politely interact by mirroring back what you would like your child to say. It is amazing how much this can make a difference!

It is important for your child to understand what your family’s expectations are for treating other people, including how he/she treats you, the adult. As young as possible, when your child points at what he/she wants, repeat back, in a pleasant voice, “Mom, may I please have that?”  You may think your child is too young to understand, but, believe me, this works wonders.

When your child reaches the, “I want that!” stage, continue repeating back the phrase. You know your child best, so I can’t tell you the exact age at which to expect your child to repeat you, but for us it started in the late 2′s.

Now, at 3.5 years, when my son says, “I want,” I repeat back, in a nice voice, “May I please…” He immediately rephrases his demand to a request, and says, “Mom/Dad, may I please…”

It is amazing what a difference this makes in our household. Our children are learning manners, and it is so much nicer to respond to a request than a demand!